The Window
By:-
Vikas Haldar
She was sitting with her back hunched over her knees. It was one of those
summer mornings which usually would be called bright. But today the sun didn't shine
down, the sky was overcast.
I looked down from my window. The road was empty. This road was never
crowded,after all it was a mere lane running on to the main road. The sun filtered
through the window and merged with the yellow of my kameez.
I had been thinking, if He would have been here He would have snapped his
fingers in front of my face and broken my reverie. But He wasn't there, how I wish…
Its no use, I know He won't return, after all I did shoo Him away, just as
if I had dismissed a pup from my side, who had lingered too long. But at the loneliest
of times even a pup seems handy, just to be a companion. Maybe I shouldn't have let
Him go.
Maybe I should have kept Him by my side, just so …
I remembered all that He had once said about me, my eyes,
'You got these big eyes', stressing on the big just to make it sound a little
out of proportion, 'they reflect off everything.'
I asked, 'Reflect… what?'
'You always were disjointed.' He says and turns away looking the other way.
Why did He have to turn away, abandon me like that?
Was I really "disjointed"?
Yes, I think I was, I am. Disjointed was so apt. That was what irritated me
about Him, He was always right. He was perfect. But hadn't He said the same once
about me?
I remember I wasn't anything much before He came along. I was mere putty for
everybody who I came across. This one person seem to have given me such a lot, seems
to have given me a definite shape. If only…
I jerked my head from side to side, I had developed a crick in my neck. He
had had the habit of every once in awhile to, hunch his shoulders and twist his head
from side to side just like that and then you'd hear a distinct, Cr…cra…ck, as
if a piece of stick had split.
He gave me a back massage this one time and then I got addicted to His hands
just resting on the small of my back, massaging. His hands were firm yet gentle. They
didn't sting like Ashok's did!
Ashok was mad! He was older than me, maturer than most or so I thought. I was
proven wrong here, who had never been wrong about anything in life. I guess woman
intuition is not to be relied on every time.
Putting Ashok aside, I had shared my all with Him. He had resisted, stopped
me,
"Don't! You don't know me."
But I had anyway poured out my bitterness, not noticing His disapproval.The
words flowed in rythm with my tears. He had sat there listening with the utmost
attention,calmly. I had never thought anybody capable of so much patience. All the men
I had come across had been short tempered and antipathic towards me.
As if it were my fault I was born a girl!
Tears dulled my sight, His arms embraced me, hands wiped those tears away;
unburdening me in some way. He was too good to be true!
I had faith in him, whatever little it was, it was a relief just to know He
was by my side. He touched my face with the back of his hands and exclaimed,
"You're hot!"
And then,
"Calm down." in a lower tone.
I released all the pent up steam within me in an endless eddy of tears, which
He wiped off my face as they flowed in a small rivulet. These He wiped with his hands
and then held my face cupped in his hands, reassuringly.
It was not just this once but so many times that I relied on Him, but, did I
pay Him back justly? That's one thought that disturbs me. If I had not turned cold on
Him, maybe He would have stayed on.
He had once described me once as … what I felt now? Something about a void!
"You know, this life's a void and people like you and me manage to fill it up
here and there, in bits and pieces, and that which is left? That which is left, is a
big blank."
The only reaction I could manage after coming out of my reverie was,
"Uh! What?"
He would smile at me, look down, shake his head, look at me and say,
"Nothing." and He would just dismiss it at that.
I felt guilty in a way, that I couldn't reciprocate. It was later I realized
that He was just filling in one of His voids by filling mine. He had a habit of living
His life, through other's lives. He was… just so… transparent.
No! That's not the right word.
Amorphous?
Yes, amorphous.
He took on to be anybody and everybody, as if this life were a drama to be
played to perfection, on a stage, before the audience. And once he played one
character to perfection he dropped it from himself, ridding himself of it. Just as
someone tries leaving behind his shadow, but is unsuccessful at the task. He… he had
mastered it. He had mastered the technique of leaving his shadow behind him and in the
process had left a part of him in me. Which kept nagging me somewhere at the back
of my mind, that he was there, with me,always. He continued to stay in some corner
of me and grow, grow in my mind to such an extent, that now I am almost, like him.
He fondled my arm, kissed it, carressed me, took me by my shoulders, pulling
me closer to him. I sank my head on his breast. He ran his fingers through my hair,
tingling my very being. I crept closer, hugged him tighter. I shut my eyes tight, I
wanted to close out everything, forget everything; the past, the present, the future
and just remain as I was, clung to him in a tight hug.
No! No, I didn't want to forget the present. The present was beautiful and I
wanted it to last forever. And then… he distanced himself away from me.
Why? That was the question which went unasked. My eyes looked on and saw him
caressing me, loving me in those dark eyes of his and then, he let go. We didn't need
an explanation for letting go of each other. We slowly drifted apart, each taking to
its own stream. If we hadn't let go, we would have been stuck, stuck in a void which
everybody wants to fill in their lives. It can get messy, holding on, we understood
that and so let the other free from the others grasp.
But, now I regret the fact. And the void in me keeps getting deeper and the
ache at times becomes unbearable, so much so, that I just feel like letting go of
everything which I hold on to so dearly. I let go of all because I don't want to fall
into that void which fills me. The void which is my darkest being somewhere inside of
me which I would never like to come to the fore.
Sometimes I feel just the opposite of this and want to hold onto and live on.
I want to live on to seek once more such person who really can fill the void in me,
like once it had been. Just as an eclipse is partial so was this phase of my life. And
this is the same principle we fuction on, everything dark cannot eclipse our lives and
we have to move on removing the hindrance from our lives because life goes on it
doesn't stop anyone.
This and many more things were once told me by the person who I so miss in
life, is nowhere within my sight. For whom my heart pines for, is nowhere near me.
And so I let go.
And now I as sit knees bunched against my chest in a tight hug, sitting at my
window of my room from where I see the road. The road where I saw him depart for the
last time. He looked back once over his shoulders.
I guess he was hopeful of a last glance at me.
This is the window from where I saw him go. And it is this same window I look
from now hoping to see him trace his steps back to me. I look on just wishing him to
walk up the road from where he had departed.
